Parenting When You’re Struggling

A letter to the ones who are hurting

Dear Parents,

I started this blog to use my knowledge and experience to help you feel more peaceful and empowered as you try to raise good humans. This passion project is so important to me because I am parenting while carrying my own childhood demons. Sometimes it’s really difficult to stay true to who I want to be as a parent when I am struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, depression, anger. I know so many of us carry heavy things and being a parent illuminates all of the baggage anew.

I want you to know that you are not alone. Even if you don’t have a difficult history and don’t struggle with any difficulty with mood, the world is a truly sad and scary place right now. Food is too expensive, the planet is too damn hot, kids are getting shot, and our democracy is hanging on by a thread. If you are sitting with some existential dread or an urge to run far away, I truly get it.

There is no magic pill that makes parenting while struggling easier, but there are some things that can make it just a little bit more tolerable. I do a lot of what I will suggest and sometimes it helps and sometimes it just doesn’t. I have days when I need a nap, a vacation, and a good cry-all at once. Try to remember that one bad day doesn’t mean that you’re failing. You’re a human with very real feelings and needs.

First of all, I can not minimize the importance of therapy. Everyone can benefit from therapy. You deserve an hour devoted to yourself and your shit. It can be lifechanging. Additionally, medication can make a huge difference sometimes. It has for me. It’s worth a try if you suspect that it may help.

I’ll list other things that can be helpful at times below, in no particular order:

1. Lower your expectations of yourself, your partner, and your kids. Some nights call for takeout, tv, no bath, and early bedtimes. Let that be ok. Those nights may just be the nights your kids remember most fondly, trust me.
   
2. Prioritize sleep for EVERYONE. Do what you have to do to make sure you have had enough sleep. It makes everything easier.
   
3. Move in any way that doesn’t feel like a punishment. Walk, stretch, lift, play a sport. Movement is healing.
   
4. Make sure that you are surrounded by relatively healthy and supportive adults. If the other adult or adults in your house make things HARDER, consider what you may need to do for yourself.
   
5. Pay close attention to the things that you are telling yourself on a regular basis. Your brain doesn’t know that you are just being hard on yourself; your brain believes that you tell it. You are not ugly or broken. You aren’t failing and you aren’t weak. It’s not too late to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
   
6. If you got the message that you don’t matter as a child, remember that there is no way that’s true. It was a lie then, and it’s a lie now.
   
7. Be careful about social media. Very careful. Don’t compare yourself to glossy images on social media. You have no idea what other people are going through just like you don’t have any idea what they did to edit their feed. Be honest with yourself about whether social media is helping you or hurting you.
   
8. Spend time with people who love you in an uncomplicated way. You deserve it.

I hope this helps a little bit. You are not alone.

Love, Jessica