The Ultimate Guide for Using Positive and Negative Reinforcement [as a Parent]
Using positive and Negative Reinforcement in the most helpful ways can make parenting a much more peaceful endeavor.
There is definitely no shortage of parenting advice out there, telling us how to be the best version of ourselves.
Gone are the days of parenting without a manual, just throwing things at the wall to see if they stick.
Most of it is helpful, but it can certainly be overwhelming.
One of the most contentious things for parents to navigate is how to deal with unwanted behavior from out little ones.
This Guide for Using Positive and Negative Reinforcement may help make things a tad more clear.
Positive Reinforcement
First, let’s define these terms:
Positive Reinforcement is when a desired response is added after the behavior.
Positive reinforcements take a few different forms, but they all end up helping us continue positive behaviors.
A natural reinforcer is a natural consequence of a positive action, like brushing your teeth leads to not having cavities.
A social reinforcer is positive encouragement from others leading to continued action, like receiving a compliment on your shoes which confirms your fashion sense.
A token reinforcer is a reward given in exchange for a desired behavior, like stickers for completed chores which functions to encourage continued chore completion.
A tangible reinforcer is a physical reward, like getting a pizza party in your class for good behavior.
Negative Reinforcement
Negative reinforcement is when people behave in a certain way in order to avoid bad consequences, like keeping ones room clean in order to be able to find a favorite stuffed animal.
The word “negative” can be confusing to a great many people, as it sounds like it’s something that would be punitive, but it simply means that we do things to avoid negative consequences.
This may mean that kids do what they are told to avoid parental frustration, but it may also look like wearing a raincoat to avoid getting wet.
Related: 15 Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You
Negative Reinforcement is not Punishment
Punishment is a reactionary form of discipline. When a child does something “wrong”, a parent may punish a child to discourage the unwanted behavior.
Unfortunately, punishments for age-appropriate behaviors don’t teach a child what to do instead, they only teach a child to be afraid of being punished.
Understanding that children have under-developed brains and are just learning how to be in the world for the very first time is the key to helping children develop into healthy, happy people.
Think about what motivates you to change and grow.
Kids who feel connected and understood truly do want to please us and are much easier to guide.
Using Positive & Negative Reinforcement
So, what do I do?
I’m so glad you asked.
First, take a deep breath and know that you are a great parent already.
Then, remember to slow down.
Many times, the things that truly get under our skin are things that got under our parents’ skin when we were small.
I know my mom could not STAND whining and I heard about it a lot.
I, too, have a hard time with whining and honestly take a deep breath before a respond to any whining, reminding myself that my child is not TRYING to drive me crazy.
He is just expressing a need.
All behavior is a need, expressed.
Here are some suggestions for using positive reinforcement and increasing cooperation in your family:
- Understand child development and what can realistically be expected of your child at any given age. A truly fantastic resource for this is The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel. This is an easy read and will entertain you, too!
- Talk to your child about what you see them doing well more than you talk to them about what’s not going well. You don’t have to over-praise. Simply telling your child that you see them working hard at something can mean the world to them.
- Reinforce things that are most important to you in terms of behavior. Try to keep this positive. You can say “I really love to see you sitting still at dinnertime” to reinforce staying at the table.
- If you must correct behavior, take your child gently aside, get down on their level, and whisper the correction if necessary. Correcting children in front of other people can cause shame, which will mean that your message will get lost because the child will be consumed with feeling ashamed.
- Focus on modeling the behavior you wish to see. Kids are ALWAYS watching. Your actions speak louder than any words.
- Pause after giving direction, even if the child says no. Sometimes no reaction is the best reaction. It allows your child to think about what you’ve asked and, often, they will comply after a moment.
- Move confidently forward. If your child protests leaving a park or leaving the house, just keep going. You can say “I know that it’s hard to leave because you’re having fun, but it’s time to go” and continue packing up and moving toward the exit. They will follow.
- Remember that the message gets lost if a child feels overwhelmed with fear, sadness, or anger. If you truly want to be heard, deliver the message calmly. Better yet, try to be playful when possible! You can ask your child if they think that piece of broccoli wants to be eaten or not, or if their stuffed animal would fold thier clothes if they could.
Practice = Better NOT Perfect
If you try some of these things, I bet you’ll end up with a happier child AND a happier you.
It’s not a lot of fun to be frustrated with your child all the time.
With practice, it may even feel like you’re on the same team!
